He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
PS: I just woke up from my shower
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
