so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Randomize
