No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
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