Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
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