She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
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