we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
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