hotel room ftw
i just googled 'classy porn'. high, low, i dunno i just got bored of cum shots.
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
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