Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
this is the fourth time i've taken my clothes off for money this year. is that normal for the average college sophomore?
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
Randomize
