I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Randomize
