I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
