took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
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