Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
Randomize
