You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
Randomize
