I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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