I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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