our cab driver is having phone sex.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
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