I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
Quick, to the slutcave!
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Randomize
