You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
