how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
Randomize
