Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
Four minutes until I can fart!
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
Randomize
