So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
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