I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
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