Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
Randomize
