Should I ask him to prom mid fuck? That way he has to say yes.
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
