he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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