Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
meet me or not, i'm out of control
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
Randomize
