i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
Randomize
