U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Randomize
