ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
tequila makes me forget i have legs
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
Randomize
