So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
Randomize
