Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
Randomize
