I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
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