i think i just saw hanson at the grocery store. one might have been a girl. hard to tell. lets call that one taylor.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
