The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Randomize
