Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
Randomize
