i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
it glows. i had to have it.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
