I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Randomize
