4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Randomize
