Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
A letter to the campus apologizing for being sucha cunt with a picture of her head on it. All posted around campus.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
I have tasted many bathrooms
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Randomize
