then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Randomize
