i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Randomize
