You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Randomize
