Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
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