i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
