I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
i just made a list of the people i have slept with. is it bad that some of them are just either names of the places i met them or the color of the shirts?
i also rounded the number up for good measure. i am sure there are a few i have forgotten about.
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
