I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
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