well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
Randomize
