Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
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