They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
Even the bartender felt bad for me
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
get to allyx's house asap
Ok is everything ok
Yeah, theres just lesbians
omg yes on my way
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Randomize
