it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
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