You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
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